Going Where I Never Wanted To Go

There were no posts last week. I got sidetracked with an unexpected detour.

On Monday, I had a big reminder that my "race" will be challenging, sometimes disappointing, and sometimes will take me to places that I don't want to go. Sundance, our six year old poodle, had two seizures about 8 hours apart. It is always so upsetting to watch him go through that. The seizures are horrible to witness, but so is the way he comes out of them and the few minutes that follow.

It had been six months since he had one. As far as I know. But I'm pretty sure cause I'm with him so much. I've been giving him phenobarbitol twice a day since the last part of July. The meds had controlled the seizures, but the side effects weren't good either. The meds made him feel hungry all of the time which was not helpful to his obesity. Sometimes he would lay by his food bowl and just cry. We were constantly over-feeding him about 1/4 cup a day. He still wanted more.

The second seizure on Monday was during family home evening. The whole family was sitting at the kitchen table playing a game. Sundance was under the table. The kids saw it happen. Even though he had had many seizures since last spring, this was Josh's first time actually seeing it occur. I think it was a blessing in disguise for this to happen in front of the kids while we were all together. It reminded them that Sundance was a sick dog. Matt and I knew it was time to put this to an end for him and for all of us.

After Sundance was back to normal, we sat down again at the table and talked to the kids about taking him to the vet and putting him to sleep. What a hard thing to discuss with our kids.

We all had a few more days with him. Friday at 4:00 finally came. I thought it was best to wait until the weekend so that we could have a couple of days of grieving together before heading back to school and work.

I don't want to discuss it any further today. All I will say is that it was the hardest thing I have ever done or witnessed. I'm glad Matt was with me. I loved that dog. I took care of him to the very end. I took him to his groomer, Judy, on Thursday for a bath. He smelled so good and was so soft. I even gave him his morning dose of medicine on Friday even though it wasn't really needed.

We all miss him. It is much quieter in the house. No night time snoring, no sounds of licking, no paws clicking on the wood floor, no intense barking when the doorbell rings. It is hard. But I know we'll get used to it. My kitchen floor has food crumbs on it for the first time in 5 1/2 years. I guess the broom will come out more frequently now.

All three of my kids have been in school full time now for four years. I thought I've been home alone during the day that whole time. But I really wasn't. I am today. I miss having him follow me around the house or keeping track of where he is sleeping. I don't have anybody to talk to anymore. I'm sad.

I know God loves us. I know there is a heaven for us. And because I know that, I know he loves all of his creations. He loves his animals, and therefore, I believe there is a place reserved for them when they die, too. It's gotta be that way. Sundance's dog spirit can't just disappear. It is somewhere.

Maybe he is with that other cute poodle I once loved, Barney. What a pair they would make. Black and red go together.